Subject: Fwd: Tools defined
1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted part you were drying.
2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
"SH**! ! ! "
3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop
rivets in their holes until you die of old age
4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.
5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
Ouija board principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.
6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.
7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting
various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British
cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to
the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.
10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to
lever an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood,
especially Douglas fir.
12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he
has another hydraulic floor jack.
13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a
sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from
your boots.
14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off
in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing
the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.
16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount
prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
end without the handle.
17 AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the
sunshine vitamin, " which is not otherwise found
under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume
40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be
used during, say, the first few hours of
the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.
19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be
used, as the name implies, to round off
the interiors of Phillips screw heads.
20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in
a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air
that travels by hose to an Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last
tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds them off.
21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too
short.
23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
hammer now-a-days is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts
not far from the object we are trying to hit.
24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal,
and plastic parts
Tune In |